It's been I month since I last wrote and I feel like I've moved forward half an inch on the progress scale (give or take). My main obstacle is that my body has more strength than my brain and my spirit has more strength than my body. I'm discouraged that I can't seem to repeat what I did yesterday, so it feels like I don't have any momentum building. I began losing sleep, so I've adjusted my Nutrasine dosage from nine a day to four and that's helped. Too much of a good thing, I guess. I have hard time remembering moments as the pass, but even when I am my most discouraged I am at once my most peaceful self I've ever known. In recovering, I'm discovering habits that I don't need to pick up again and social dynamics I don't want to engage in. I'm addicted to peace. I've been trying to practice "Guard your heart above all else" (Proverbs 4:23) and letting go. Honestly, it's coming pretty easy because I don't have much strength to try, ha. I am so thankful to have Nutrasine back in my life. It is giving me privileges to participate in all the reindeer games I would otherwise sleep through. Here's a few February things that made my heart sing:
1) Planning a surprise birthday party for my sister at the youth group she volunteers at
2) Planning her birthday-day party and going on the family hike--3 miles and 300 steps (I died moments later...)
3) Making a special Valentine's Day breakfast for my siblings.
4) Making brownie pies for my kid brother's bible study.
5) Discovering a brownie recipe I can eat :D
The list goes into my silly-specific thanksgiving.
I read that patience eliminates pride, discontent and disbelief, and that it yields worship. I want to fill my wide open waiting space with worship, with the wonder of who God is and what he does for me. I want to remember him in my quietness as much as I cling to him when I'm restless and the world is very loud. I want my heart to learn many songs. I remember melodies best, so that has been my favorite thing in the my waiting. For whatever reason, when I can do nothing, my heart starts to sing. I have to wait for the strength to write down and record the songs, but I know Jesus sings to me because the songs make me free from where I am and what I'm feeling and Jesus said his gift to me is peace (John 14:27) and I believe peace in Jesus is freedom.